Attempt One
Hi Mum and Dad,

I hope this letter reaches you okay. I’m sure you’ve already drafted up the beginnings of a new letter to me, which begins: “we told you so, didn’t we?” But I think that’d be being a little unfair to me. I hope you got my last letter, I’m sure it must have reached you by now. But, if in the case it didn’t, well – here’s the gist of it. I went to that mythical, haunted land of Boletaria. And I know you said “the world’s already falling apart, no need to run towards it”. But look, I was bored, and figured I could use the heavy armour you bought me for my birthday. And yes, I was almost immediately killed by an enormous demon, and yes, my soul is now bound forever to the Nexus, the Place-Between-Worlds, where I shall dwell forever in a state of eternal purgatory, questing through the most dangerous locales in the world to kill the world’s most dangerous and powerful creatures, the demons, and attempting to steal their souls.

But, besides that, you haven’t missed much.

I went to Latria today anyway. It’s a jaw-droppingly atmospheric place. Mum, I think you’d really like it – maybe it could do with a bit of sprucing up, you know. A bit of a sweep; a few bones in my room, for instance, and the eerie chanting of the Fool’s Idol really gets me down. Not to mention the place is always dark. I mean, for Pete’s sake, can’t we get some good lighting in this joint? Stepping out of my cell now. I think I see someone over the other side of this enormous abyss. I’ll go see if I can deal with them the way I’ve dealt with the terrible Phalanx and Tower Knight Demons.

Attempt Two
I’m sure you won’t see this coming. Told you so, I can already hear you saying it. Yes, I wasn’t entirely prepared for the Mind Flayer I met on the other side of the abyss. He electrified me, and then impaled me with a face tentacle or something. I’m not really sure what happened. I was in the middle of having my brains slow-cooked by magical lightning. Oh well. I’m back in Latria, and I’m going to deal with it. I can do this!

Attempt Three
Okay, managed to hit the Mind Flayer like once last time. Then he fried me again, and sucked my brains out through his mind spike like a straw.

Much love… etc…

Attempt Four
Goddamn it.

Attempt Five
That bastard.

Attempt 6
STOP FRYING ME!

Attempt 7
I can do this. I am resilient. I am capable. Oh god, it saw me.

Attempt 10
Okay, I skipped a few days. I didn’t really know what to say. But I do know something now. These letters, which I initially thought were really helping me work out my stress, turn out to just be infuriating me even more. I can’t do this any more. I’m going into foetal position, just for a few minutes. Gonna… gonna get right back to it.

Attempt 13
I hate Mind Flayers.

Attempt 20
Okay. So I know I didn’t write you for a while now. But I’ve been off in the Valley of Defilement, killing an Archdemon. So that was fun. I would not recommend it as a holiday destination. I also killed an Armoured Spider (wouldn’t recommend that either), and pulverized some giant fat… thing on the Shadowmen’s Isle.
And yes, before I had the good sense to leave Latria before, I allowed my brain to become a delicious drink for the octopus man yet again. But, most importantly, now that I’m back in Latria, I’m powerful. I’ve got a good sword, I’ve got the power of the Demon’s souls, and I’m going to kick some serious ass.

Attempt 21
Okay, this time.

Attempt 22
I got him! It was an epic fight – I finally figured out how to dodge his moves, I can now judge the radius of his stupid orb attack, and to get him to shoot his even stupider lightning immobilizing ray into a pillar. Now that I’ve killed him, there’s absolutely nothing that can stop me! Time to bust out of this prison, and show the world – I’m a real hero! I can save Boletaria, I know I can!

Attempt 23
Why is there another Mind Flayer just around the corner from the last one?

Attempt 25
Finally getting good at killing the damn things. Escaped from the prison, but was impaled by giant ballista arrows. Arguably less painful than being killed by the Mind Flayers. And at least it’s different.

Attempt 28
Oh yeah. Made it all the way out to the Fool’s Idol, and slew her resurrecting man before the fight even started. Then I killed her without even bothering with one of her clones! I am… I am the man! I know I’m getting better. I’m confident. I’m stronger. I’m fighting smarter, paying attention to my surroundings – and – uh –

I was just carried into Upper Latria by living gargoyles made of actual stone that can fly somehow!

But holy smokes, Upper Latria is amazing. Probably the best location in Boletaria for sheer wow. I’d love a whole long adventure set in a realm like this. Fog blanketing the city below. Enormous chains a symbol of misery. Oh yes – and I loved how I could see Upper Latria from the prison. I actually just dreamed I could go up there – and now I’m here! Look out, Upper Latria – cause here I come.

Attempt 29
Was knocked off the edge by a gargoyle.

Attempt 30
Impaled by a gargoyle.

Attempt 31
Now you’re expecting me to say I was brutally murdered, right? Some other miserable thing happened to me. But no! I’m a genuine, bonafide badass. And I’ve never felt that way on this adventure proper. But I cleared the area in one fell swoop this time, genuinely! I freed and killed some jerk prisoner too, even while I descended into a swamp filled with blood, and the most terrifying, disturbing demons I’ve encountered yet. (well, there was that bloody, plagued mire filled with what looked like half-formed children, but I already sent you a letter about that). But these demons – they had like six faces, vomited red, bloody acid, and had awful scuttling pincers and an enormous scorpion tail. And I killed them all!

The dizzying heights of Upper Latria were nothing to me. The gargoyles fell like flies to my almighty power – my aim with a bow has never been better. I severed the enormous, beating Demon heart that fueled the vile swamp, and continued my valiant adventure. I did have to dodge another bloody Mind Flayer (just buffed up for some insane reason), but walloped my way to exactly where I needed to be.

I just know you’ll be proud of me this time. I’m coming home, mum and dad. And when you next see me, I’ll be the hero of the entire world!

Attempt 32
Was electrocuted and thrown off of a large staircase to my doom.

Attempt 33
Sandwiched between two centipede scorpion demons and murdered.

Attempt 34
See previous letter.

Attempt 35
Ha-ha! Backstabbed the stupid buffed up Mind Flayer demon and kicked it off the staircase! How’s that suit you, huh? Sorry if it sounds like I’m gloating, I’m just tired of being killed by those chumps. And by gravity. So nice to dish it out, rather than take it.

Reached new Fog Gate. If this boss is anything like Fool’s Idol, they won’t stand a Mind Flayer’s chance against gravity.

Attempt 45
I hate the Maneaters.