I’m a bit of a collector.

I say a bit – I’m not nuts (at least, not quite), you know. I don’t fill my house with so many things I struggle to see free space – but sometimes, I feel like I come awfully close. I feel like I’m some TV infomercial slogan; ruinous financial decisions are just one expensive collector’s item away! I’ve been thinking for a while about why that is. Much like my previous post about Games and Completionism, this piece is an attempt to grapple with what seems like a pillar of my personality.

In our ever-present capitalist society, we are always being told to buy things. There are so many things, you couldn’t possibly hope to buy them all. Games, music, books, films – then stack all the memorabilia and merchandise on top of that – then multiply by how many things it is you love, and want to own.

Over these last few pandemic years, I took very strongly to Silent Hill. Yes, what a surprise.
I still take very strongly to it. I bought all the games I could (sadly, never found a Silent Hill arcade machine – yes, they made a Silent Hill on-rails shooter, for some reason), I collected some of the figurines, bought the CD soundtracks (and the vinyl ones I could get my hands on), and I was keen to collect more. To collect bigger. But, at the beginning of this year, something stopped me. It wasn’t so much a crossroads as it was a “stop and consider” sign. Well, two stop and consider signs. The first of these was a Silent Hill watch, and the second was the First4Figures Pyramid Head statue. Both gorgeous pieces. But both prohibitively expensive, especially for someone in my position – i.e., studying full time. I thought about both for a long time. I came to a realization – an uneasy realization, to be sure, but still a realization. A conclusion. I can’t go on like this.

I was attaching myself to Silent Hill in a way I simply couldn’t handle. I didn’t make enough money to carry on this way. I didn’t have enough time to make enough money. In short, I was stuck. I would have to let these two things – powerful, limited, rare collector’s pieces – pass me by. And yes, it is indeed harder to conjure up the notion of a first world problem than this one. But that problem in itself got me thinking. Why was I so attached to collecting all of this stuff? Why had it become such a part of my personality that I was so conflicted about not ordering an expensive statue that would just sit on my shelf?

Emotion and connection is a really, really powerful thing. You know when you listen to a good piece of music, at a certain time, in a certain place? Music is one of the things that holds connections for me. Some songs are reminders of times and places I’d rather forget, while others are powerful connections to a world I don’t want to leave. The human brain forms these connections surprisingly easily, which is why so many of us are so wired to recognize names and brands as being trustworthy. If tomorrow Konami announced they were making a new Silent Hill, in spite of myself, I’d get a bit excited. Why? Well, because Silent Hill is the promise of transcendence in video game horror. Of an experience that doesn’t just take place within a game – it is lightning in a bottle.

But the problem with lightning in a bottle is that you just can’t keep on capturing it. Team Silent managed to pull it off only four times, with the fourth and final time being a fading light in the dark. After that, you’re left with Shattered Memories, which is a haunting psychological experience… and then what? A set of fairly mediocre titles that, while okay, don’t really do anything to live up to the authentic Silent Hill experience. But people bought them. Often with the expectation they’d be able to capture some of that magic from those earlier titles. It’s not often that I am cynical, but I dearly doubt there is any studio that could capture those feelings. The Silent Hill games were a product of their time – a beautiful time, when studios were willing to risk a bit more, and to push narrative boundaries in truly unexpected and disturbing ways. Sure, some of it could by today’s design perspectives seem wrong or foolish – but in ten years, those standards will have again changed. Silent Hill is a beacon in the dark of memory – but it is a memory, all the same.

The experience of purchasing something is a novelty too. It is the promise of something new – of hard work converted into something you’ll (hopefully) love. Name brands and merchandise are the outcome of both philosophies. Warm memories and the rush of novelty together create a money-making machine that can hardly be stopped. It is the kind of thing we all think we’re immune to – but I’m not really sure any of us are, not truly, anyway.

The fact is, everything in pop culture is being milked for money in some way or another these days. The recent resurgence in Silent Hill merchandise is both a blessing and a curse for a person like me. I love there’s so much new stuff, but there’s also the threat of missing out. That’s a strange concept. In ten years, will I care? Maybe. I don’t know. When I’m old and grey and retired, should I have that luxury statue of Pyramid Head sitting on my shelf? In addition, why should the only Silent Hill game that’s easy to access these days be just The Room? An accessible version of the games would be a great way to get the games back into the public consciousness, not just siphoning money from fans who are desperate for a new title, for it to be good again. Konami, being the awful corporate monster they are, seems quite set on releasing highly limited edition items that are also expensively priced – even I’ve steered away from their store, realizing that I just can’t support a company that wants to make a t-shirt limited edition in a set of one hundred. There’s only so much money in my life that I’ll actually make – do I want money that could be spent on a house, or do I want a t-shirt? When you step back and realize that you don’t need stuff to be considered a “real fan”, that’s when you can get your head screwed on straight.

I want to say my drive to collect things is for some noble historical purpose. That I’m somehow doing the world a favour by collecting all of these items – or trying to, anyway. Maybe it’s that I want to show off again, in some small way – to be quietly satisfied with the little pool of merchandise I’ve piled together. I miss buying Silent Hill stuff. It was a little joy during the pandemic, to receive cool things in the mail, to unbox a little Pyramid Head and stick him on my shelf. To hang the keys to the Lakeview Hotel on my bedroom wall. To sit indoors and put the Silent Hill 3 CD on and remember that the world is still okay. But I guess it comes with getting older, huh? That I can’t ride this constant “newness” all the time. That maybe, I just have to sit back and look at my little collection, and smile.

With word that I may be out of a job come the end of the month, these are thoughts I’ve been having more prominently. While there are always plans – and I hope that one day, when I’m working full time (however far away that is), I can get back to collecting Silent Hill goodies with which to fill my own corner of my own house. To get there, however, I’ll need to first recognize my limitations, and the limitations of name brands, and of merchandise itself. Things can’t transport you there alone. You need the memory, the experience, of playing the game. Remember why you loved the thing in the first place – don’t just fritter money away on things to try recapture that experience, or even to somehow prove you loved it. Just a meaningless lesson everyone else probably already knows – but a lesson I felt like sharing anyway.

If you’re in a position to give money – well, you should probably give it to the Ukrainian Red Cross, or to LGBTQI+ activists in a place close to you, or to animal conservation (also in an area near you). But, if, after all that, you’re willing to support my work, my Patreon is here.

Otherwise, I’ve made a Twitch channel. I’m hoping to start streaming once a week in about two weeks time, at a time I’m still trying to fix on my busy schedule. But I was thinking of starting by streaming Silent Hill 4: The Room. If you’re keen, follow me on Twitch!
Stay safe all, wishing the best for all of you. Thanks for indulging me by reading this article!